Arms Around You

Faith, Poetry

I’ve seen life depart

I’ve mopped up my own blood from my womb that contained lives that barely flickered and then were gone

I’ve seen days so darkened with depression I’ve nearly lost the will to live

Your pain may be so much worse

Your struggle so intense you don’t know how you continue to hold on

Your eyes may have seen horrors no eyes should see

But I know a man whose sincere friendship has kept my heart secure

Turn your eyes and heart to Jesus and let His peace surround you in your storm

Breathe deep, don’t rush

The lover of your soul sits by you

Arms around you

He’ll never depart from you

There is no road too rocky

No hole too dirty

He is not ashamed to sit beside you

His love will save you

Try Again

Poetry

Back again
To watch and wait
The blurry screen that dictates
My fear that I have hoped in vain

Hope isn’t a road to victory
But it sustains the heart in battle
To give it up is to succumb to panic

As I wait I hope
Perhaps this is not all in vain
Might there still be a beating life
Fighting to stay
Desperate for a safe place
But I cannot guarantee the safety of that place
This vessel that works and breaks without reason or warning
I can only hope that this time it ticks without stopping…

Tick tock
The clock has stopped
Blurry screens free of that rhythmic beat
Time now means a different thing
Waiting to pass away what couldn’t stay
This path a bit more worn as we tread it once again

Similar and different to so many stories
Common ground with varying degrees of acceptance and agony
Where hearts mend and break

Sleep now, rest your soul
Tomorrow the sun will rise and you’ll still be alive
To hope and dream and try again

Riding the Storm

Poetry

Just like every situation where you feel the brokenness of the grave

Like the moon pushes the tides in and out, you cry and laugh in equal amounts and the world looks on and thinks you’ve lost your mind 

But how else do you cope with the blows of nature’s hammer, but to ride out into the storm and feel the battering and breathe in when calm comes and then to let your face be whipped by the falling rain and still come out in the peace again

Nature’s Way

Poetry

I stood and stared out at the forever blue
Piercing brightness stealing my sight but still through the blindness
I search for the meaning of the light
I want to drown in the sound of the crashing
Feel my senses alive in the fight for life
Tired, so tired of the lethargy that brings the darkness of the night
My tears they flow in the stream of decay
Nature you cruel beast to have stolen the growing life within
Creeping through the shadows
Picking and choosing at random who stays and who goes
But still I stare out at the forever blue
Waiting for nature to creep on by and say no, no, this time not you
Then will I expel my breath in relief and allow myself to feel the water at my feet

Father’s Day

Family, Poetry

The radio played that song
I was washing the dishes
I hardly realised it was on
Just a background noise
Tickling my ear drums
Until my heart pricked at the familiar tune
And suddenly I’m bracing myself
The rush of images it brings leaves me standing still
Staring
The ache inside
Dulls and sharpens like a well used pencil
I sketch out our memories
Over and over
Not knowing if I’m elaborating and dreaming
Adding to the gallery images we never took
Remembering and wishing
All merging together in my mind
The story of father and child

photo (34)

Acknowledged

Family

The grief of losing a child in early pregnancy is one of the most alienating and lonely experiences that I, and many others, have gone through. How can we publicly talk about and grieve for a life that is spoken about in such cold terms by medical staff and a life that society does not recognise? Someone once said to me what is, I am sure, a common thought in some circles, “I know this will upset you, but I don’t view foetuses as a life.” So, my daughter, whom I lost at 20 weeks, and my more recent loss at 10 weeks were what, nothing? Not living? So in other words, inside me was conceived death, because society does not view it as life? No! I conceived life, which then died.

In early pregnancy loss we hear, amongst others, those awful words, “We can’t find a heartbeat” and are sent away with the ‘reassurance’, “This is very common and it is most likely that there was a chromosomal problem. This is very unlikely to happen in your next pregnancy and there is no reason why you can’t try again.

Is this supposed to be comforting?

Yes, our bodies are incredibly clever at recognising when something is wrong and going about trying to put it to right. Sometimes it is unable to put it to right and nothing that the doctors do can halt it. Just like my father dying of cancer, just like losing the two precious lives my husband and I conceived. There was nothing to be done but enjoy the time we had and mourn the loss.

It doesn’t matter at what point we learn of the exciting news, 5 weeks or 3 months, we celebrate the news of conception. New life!

Life is a process of becoming. From the moment a life is conceived in the womb, we never stop changing, not until our hearts give out. We are a wondrous creation. But no matter how wondrous we are, we are also fragile and it is no different in the womb. A newly conceived life is no safer from the dangers that afflict a newborn, toddler, a teenager or an adult. Sometimes things go wrong and whilst that new life’s heart beats frantically to survive, it gives out, and at merely weeks or a few short months, dies.

Whatever struggles are faced by a newly conceived life, they are no less valid than a newborn. They have just come face to face with their fragility from the get go and their loss is a heavy burden on the hearts of parents who have had to come to terms with losing them. That is why the language used by practitioners is so incongruous with our emotions, because we understand in our hearts that a life and all its potential has been lost, but yet they do not speak of it as such.

All life, from the time it is conceived, is precious and we must acknowledge it as such and fully support both women and men in their grief, should that life be lost so soon.